Well, I did it: zero draft of the haunted house thing is complete. My plan now is to put it to one side and work on something else for a bit, in a bid to build the necessary objectivity and creative juice to administer the Frankensteinian major surgery and spark of life this beast will need to become an actual functioning first draft.

I am mulling another short story – and, as often seems to happen with me, thinking about swordfights. Speaking of which, here (via Twitch) is my favourite thing on the internet this week. Behold… The Fruity Samurai!

This week – unless my sorry brains finally squirt out of my ears first – I intend to finish the zero draft of my haunted house story. NB: the zero draft is not the first draft. If the zero draft had feelings it would be wishing on stars and hoping to become a first draft, one day, when it grows up. Right now the possibility of becoming a finished story remains, of course, too rarefied and celestial a concept for the zero draft’s poor amoeba brain to envision. But, in evolutionary terms, while an amoeba isn’t Homo sapiens, it’s still a lot better than no life at all.

The other big thing happening this week for me is that for the first time in a while my band is meeting up again. I’m very excited, playing with them makes me very happy, so here’s something related to that…

This is Don Van Vliet, aka Captain Beefheart:

Here (via Boing Boing and The Captain Beefheart Radar Station) are his Ten Commandments of Guitar Playing. I think they work for writing too, or some of them do for me at least, maybe they will for you.

1. Listen to the birds
That’s where all the music comes from. Birds know everything about how it should sound and where that sound should come from. And watch hummingbirds. They fly really fast, but a lot of times they aren’t going anywhere.

2. Your guitar is not really a guitar
Your guitar is a divining rod. Use it to find spirits in the other world and bring them over. A guitar is also a fishing rod. If you’re good, you’ll land a big one.

3. Practice in front of a bush
Wait until the moon is out, then go outside, eat a multi-grained bread and play your guitar to a bush. If the bush doesn’t shake, eat another piece of bread.

4. Walk with the devil
Old Delta blues players referred to guitar amplifiers as the “devil box.” And they were right. You have to be an equal opportunity employer in terms of who you’re bringing over from the other side. Electricity attracts devils and demons. Other instruments attract other spirits. An acoustic guitar attracts Casper. A mandolin attracts Wendy. But an electric guitar attracts Beelzebub.

5. If you’re guilty of thinking, you’re out
If your brain is part of the process, you’re missing it. You should play like a drowning man, struggling to reach shore. If you can trap that feeling, then you have something that is fur bearing.

6. Never point your guitar at anyone
Your instrument has more clout than lightning. Just hit a big chord then run outside to hear it. But make sure you are not standing in an open field.

7. Always carry a church key
That’s your key-man clause. Like One String Sam. He’s one. He was a Detroit street musician who played in the fifties on a homemade instrument. His song “I Need a Hundred Dollars” is warm pie. Another key to the church is Hubert Sumlin, Howlin’ Wolf‘s guitar player. He just stands there like the Statue of Liberty — making you want to look up her dress the whole time to see how he’s doing it.

8. Don’t wipe the sweat off your instrument
You need that stink on there. Then you have to get that stink onto your music.

9. Keep your guitar in a dark place
When you’re not playing your guitar, cover it and keep it in a dark place. If you don’t play your guitar for more than a day, be sure you put a saucer of water in with it.

10. You gotta have a hood for your engine
Keep that hat on. A hat is a pressure cooker. If you have a roof on your house, the hot air can’t escape. Even a lima bean has to have a piece of wet paper around it to make it grow.

“Though they bear numbers, they are not arranged hierarchically — each Commandment has equal import.”

I’ve received two wonderfully heartening messages about how all my events this past week went…

Mrs E Roberts, English and Humanities Learning Co-ordinator at (all new!) Heartlands High School, Haringey, said:

“The feedback from the pupils was outstanding!  They were unanimous in their opinion on the day: they loved it! Many of the pupils are now reading your books, I think your reading of Crawlers encouraged many of them.  You especially inspired our more challenging boys, which is not easy to do! As a teacher I can see your books making a difference to our pupils and I know how excited you would be if you could see it too!”

…And following on from yesterday’s lightning visit to schools in Nottinghamshire to tie in with Crawlers being shortlisted for the Notts Brilliant Book Award, I’ve just been forwarded this:

“Can you please pass my thanks on to Sam for the visits to Nottingham University Samworth Academy and Kimberley School. I have heard from several of the librarians who attended and they have all said what an excellent and enjoyable event it was, and how good Sam was with the students. We really appreciate him coming to visit and the author events always come out very highly in our evaluations of the award! Best wishes, Janet Huffer, Principal Librarian, Education Library Service, Nottinghamshire County Council.”

A huge and gleeful THANK YOU to everyone I met and spoke to over this last week. 😀

If anyone reading this would like to find out about how to arrange a visit from me to your school or library, you can find out all the details on my Contact An Author page, here.

As for me, I’ve ended Book Week exactly as I always seem to do – namely by catching an ‘orrible cold! Today my head only seems interested in producing mucus instead of writing, so I’ve spent the afternoon updating my LibraryThing Review Page: hit the link for all my latest book recommendations. AhhhhPHLOOPHTCH! Ahem, ‘scuse me.

Book Week is upon us again, and I’m gearing up for three school visits this week: Ken Stimpson Community School in Peterborough, Heartlands High School in my neighbouring London borough Haringey and a long-awaited return visit to The Ridgeway School in Swindon.

In the mean time, my esteemed Trapped By Monsters cave colleague Ali Sparkes has just come up with something a bit tremendous – a new author initiative called Adopt A Bookshop. I’ve adopted mine. Here’s a quiet word from them:

If anyone reading this would like to know how to buy my books and have them signed and personalized for you by me, then The Big Green Bookshop is the place to place your order. Call Samurai Booksellers Simon, Tim and Mark or contact them via their website: they’ll let me know, I’ll drop by the shop to sign the books, they’ll post them out to you wherever you are in the world. Easy.

Bookshops – especially spirited independent ones run by people who love and care about books – are an all-too-rare treat to find on our increasingly homogenized high streets. Just like libraries, you have to use them or lose them. If you’re an author, Adopt A Bookshop. If you’re a reader, visit one today!

Via a friend on Facebook here are two early glimpses of the brand new Indonesian edition of The Black Tattoo…

This (above) is, I think, a design proof. Here’s what the finished article looks like…

The only responses I find myself able to make right now are WOW! and HEE HEE HEE HEE! 😀

Wart ventriloquism, animated massacre and Joss Whedon’s Top Ten Writing Tips – it’s all happening at Trapped By Monsters. 😀

Today I did two talks at Hornchurch Library, Havering and helped out with their Best of the Best Book Award…

It was awesome. Both groups I spoke to – KS2 and KS3 students from various different schools in the area – were enthusiastic and charming. The video presentations by students on which books they thought should win were brilliant and the quizzes were ace, but the biggest thrill for me was witnessing the way these young readers discussed the shortlisted books – in depth and detail, and with passion. It was a great day and I was honoured to be involved.

Here’s another thing that made me happy today: a road sign I spotted near Forest Gate station on my journey to the event…

Hee hee hee!

Sam

PS: My thanks to everyone who was there at Freedom of Expression for my reading of Family on Tuesday night. It’s always a pleasure to meet new people – and HORRIFY them. ;D

This Tues 15th Feb I’ll be testing my new short story Family out on a live audience for the very first time at Freedom of Expression, a fantastic variety night at The Green Dragon in Croydon.

At half an hour in total this will be the longest public reading I’ve done so far, and by quite a stretch: as anyone who’s seen me do my stuff before will know, while my talks last around an hour, up ’til now I’ve kept my actual readings down to around five mins a go. This will be an experiment – and right now I don’t mind telling you I’m a little nervous about it! Still: also on the bill will be singer-songwriters Chris Parr and my friend the brilliant Adrian Taylor – so even if my own performance crashes and burns I still know it’s going to be a good night! 😀

Hope to see you there?? Mean time, here’s something I just posted to Trapped By Monsters about some great comics I’ve read lately…

“Tell me how many books a writer has written… we can assume usually ten times that amount shelved or thrown away. And I will tell you how he spends his time: Any writer spends a good deal of his time alone, writing.”

William S. Burroughs

Congratulations to Oli and Ben, joint winners of my Favourite Favourite Word Giveaway!

Ben chose ONSLAUGHT “because it sounds cool and dangerous.”

Oli chose PLASMA “because it sounds alienised!”

I couldn’t decide which was the best reason out of those two, so I picked both. 😀

Oli and Ben: your prizes – first editions of Tim, Defender of the Earth, signed and dedicated to you – are on their way.

My thanks and best wishes to everyone who took part.